Its your fault

If you're following my posts well ,you probably know that I'm learning French at the moment … In fact ,I've been doing this one class a week for 8 months now…. every single Tuesday, you kinda get  the idea that it's not just a random event, it becomes part of my routine ..This week I didn’t go .Why? I forgot to go!

The next day, I had a hospital duty and I forgot to go too! and although I can't say that my work is a fixed routine coz my hours are constantly changing ;there are weeks when I do 36 hours only and others with 70 hrs or sometimes even more .. But if you know that I'm the one who is responsible for setting the schedule for the junior doctors in the department, it's really hard to believe that you can forget a schedule which you both set, print then display for all to follow …

Don’t you worry about my patients … though 3 hours late, I managed to remember my duty…How? I don’t know… I guess I remembered it the same way I forgot about it…

Later that day…

' I'm sorry I brought you all the way to the blood bank ,but you know , O -ve blood should be received personally by a doctor, actually all –ve blood types ,its really scarce'  

'Yea it's ok'

'Now if you can just write down your name and sign here'

It took me a few seconds to write my name down .Why? For a while I couldn’t recall my surname… it was late and I was tired but I don’t think its an excuse to forget your own name! …

I told my dad about forgetting our family name and he was shocked but he managed to say ' it happens'! I think he secretly believes that I totally lost it : )  but you know what's funny ? He blamed it all on my mom .Why? I have no clue. It's one of those peculiar Arabic traditions I guess: P  

Funny people, Funny world…

People have always been fascinated with death. I mean think about it, all the mysteries that you see in movies involve death of one kind or another.

I guess people, in general, would like to be or feel as though they were part of some kinda danger, especially those foreigners in Baghdad. Maybe they like to have a story to take back home. as if saying they were in a city where at least 20 people are killed every day ,will add to their own adventure…       

And to be honest, although I witness death on a daily bases , it is still something that I find absolutely riveting, not in the general sense though. I've kinda become more professional lately when it comes to dealing with death… In fact, except for blast victims, who are still a reason why I regret a career in medicine, I recently discovered that I've become indifferent to the whole thing….like if those people are just part of a screen play I am watching – or playing ….

I think my emotional threshold has been rising steadily over the past few months. Tolerance is the medical word for it …Now, to react in the same way I used to be when I first started , I will probably need to witness a man being grabbed by some kinda beast , a crocodile maybe as it’s one of the last remaining dinosaurs !!a bit strange dont u think?!

My brother's mids aka my mids!

'Doda habibi lets skip this chapter it's not important…' I was so tired …and he was so slow

'Just shut up'

'I'm tellin ya hun this is not a high yield topic let's review adrenergic drugs first'

'You idiot I can't understand this, how can you expect me to get the next chapter and I even can't remember what we studied this morning'

'Of course u don’t, no one cram pharmacology for the night of the exam'

'yea yea but u gonna stay up with me right?'
'...ummm'
RIGHT?'

'Yea …sure '  like I have another choice I mean staying up late at night studying pharma with him is definitely  far more entertaining than having to deal with mom crying like a baby if he fails the exam

'So shut up and lets continue'   that’s just my brother being himself - a perfect student, or what?!- gosh help me

Just so you know, in Iraq, putting kids through med or engineering schools is, for most middle class families, a life's mission … no matter how impossible the mission, and of course never minds what their kids want …and in that matter my family is no exception …

Nothing is impossible after all , all my mom has to do is making me feel guilty enough to take part in 'mission impossible' and I fell for it every time, every mids and every finals …but these mids are just so not well timed :(

anyways,hope this,too, shall pass !

Mission accomplished !

Dearest world (not that there are two worlds and ur the dearest!) ,

I'm supposed to be posting this on the 9^th of April (that’s tomorrow) but since I have to work tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and the day after that! I decided to post it today …

On this date, 9 years back, in 2003, US marine tanks reached downtown Baghdad, raised the American flag in one of the main squares there …announced the collapse of the 35 years Iraq's ruler, Sadam Hussein…in the following days Baghdad became a war zone I mean literally a war zone … the clashes were between Iraqis and volunteer Arab fighters on one side and the US marines on the other…

 I'm posting this not to examine the pre and post war era , not to judge passive and dysfunctional Iraqis 'ok maybe a little judgment won't hurt :P' or to criminalize coalition troops …I'm posting this to share my memories of this unforgettable day…

My dad , who worked as a civil engineer  at the time, went missing….for the next week ,my mom ,brother and all what'd left of our relatives in Baghdad  looked everywhere for him from  friends' houses ,hospitals to  Jean Doe cemeteries but he was nowhere to be found …

With so many civilians being killed every day … my mom started to lose hope, my uncle wrote his  obituary and decided it was time to start preparing for the funeral …even my friends started sending their condolences (how rude of them I thought we weren’t sure yet I would tell them ).

I don’t know if I was in denial or I was genuinely coping well with all what had been surrounding me … but what I still can vividly remember is my outmost confidence that it was just a matter of time before he would come back home….

On the 8^th day , someone gave us a letter …my mom instantly recognized the hand writing ,it was dad's …the letter was ultra short..... but he was alive that was all that mattered to all of us …it turned out that he'd been injured badly and taken away by the marines …2 days later he was released with a sorry note 'a reflection of good American manners,dont you think ?!?'

He was lucky ..we were lucky ...and I hope we'll continue to be lucky :)

lastly ...I'm counting on you so please dont let me down
yours,
a faithful citizen

'The audacity of hope'

It’s the title of a book I've just finished reading (by Barack Obama) few days back and to be honest, for somebody with zero knowledge about economy and politics, following its ideas wasn’t an easy task …I did appreciate the last chapter though …It was about family and although very American I kinda relate to it …anyways enough babbling about the book :P ….

You know the saying ' if you want something badly let it go ' well we kinda have something like it in Arabic…I always thought this is for losers …don’t get it twisted I respect  sayings and old wise people and all  but being passive is just not the way I am….

 I think it's time to change … my new motto is 'do whatever u can then let it go' just have hope that everything will take a turn for the best  .This whole theory is kinda new to me so let's see if it's going to work …I Hope !!

So, with the same cheerful spirit! , Hallulujah… thank you lord …thank you all, I'm letting it go …

welcome to heaven

After a long day at the hospital ,and in a cruel attack as devastating as it was efficient, a bomb unleashed in his car yesterday afternoon  just as he stepped in  it ….

Name: Mohammed Alwan

Sex: male

Age: 47

Profession: surgeon at x hospital (the one I'm workin in )

Chief complaint: dead on arrival

There's nothing unusual about the whole scene ….well except it's been awhile since I can say that a person  I really  know has been killed this way ,his daughter is my sister's best friend. And  being  final year med students they are studyin at our home most of the time and when she is not at our home then my sis must be at theirs! …I have lots of memory with this family …..The whole hospital was in black today (not because it’s a custom here, it's not) but he was simply an active caring doctor and people here really feel the loss...May Allah bless his soul

There nothing else I want to say actually, blogging about it was a good idea …I finally stopped crying J

Uncertain Future !

'Why don’t you just leave the country?'

Is he seriously saying that, am I hearing that right!? …'Ahh, leave?!!! Where to?'  That’s the only thing I managed to say at that point

My bewilderment was all over the place, so he added quickly 'Young lady, have you ever thought of studying and working abroad?'

This was the dean of the medical college I graduated from in an interview I had few weeks back. He's been in his post since last year – after some political/ethnic battles –

You know, if anyone else had said it, it won't be a big deal but it was the dean of the university for god sake!

'I don’t want to leave; I wanna study and work here in Baghdad... I was one of your top students and according to the current regulations of the ministry of higher education MHE I have the right to…..  '

'Ok ok you wont give up, will you? Here's the thing I don’t care about  what the MHE has to say..…'

Seriously!! What! What kinda dean is that?

He went on saying '…the uni won't accept new entries for the next 3 years (aka his years at office)'

'But... I mean I was assigned by the ministry all I need is your agreement'

'And you're not gonna get that' …this just …this crashed me, crashed me hard

'I'm telling you, we don’t have any offers'

'Even for the top 5%'

So he said affirmatively' Even for the top 5%'

I would totally buy that if I didn’t know that out of 54 med graduates last year, only 3 places were to be filled (nothing unusual about such highly competitive posts)…the weird thing however is that no.54 and no.50 got assigned and I know those people personally and I wish them all best, they are my colleagues after all …but they just not good enough and by that I don’t only  mean scientifically ….anyways

'What can I say thank you for your time'

'Think about it …UK is a great place to start'

'?!!??'I was literally speechless

According to the UN, Iraq is ranked 2 in governmental corruption (only after Somalia which means my country is no.1 because, well, Somalia is not even a country! not yet at least)

S**t, I know why ….it's my d**m surname ….  so now what ! change my surname ?or just leave the d**m place? But I didn’t leave even when things were escalating in a monumental scale  …. I don’t know …..for a while  this was the only thing I was thinking about…anyways I 'm not willing to give up Baghdad , not yet at least  …