Date: quite recent
I was sitting in the doctor's office, door shut; in front of the computer screen doing some paper work for the next day. I’ve been under quite a bit of scrutiny recently so I was trying out some strategies to achieve more work – nothing is working so far as it’s proven to be a bloody vicious circle!!-.
I finished the very last bit of work that day....hallelujah!! Time to go home J ... fished my blazer out of a heap of coats hanging behind the door causing all the coats to fall over on the floor (note to self ; apply for a locker next week!) then kneeled down to grab my bag and laptop from under the desk and ...I think I must have taken a bit longer than expected as my mind decided to wander off beyond the confined little dark space from under my desk when I started thinking ‘again’ about the little black girl ... I can’t seem to get this little black girl off my head recently ...She who wanted to have the bluest eyes a human could possibly have. The thought to me was absolutely sickening...I couldn’t sympathise with her even though I knew exactly how unloved and unlovely she was.
(The bluest eye) an African American classic fiction by Nobel Prize winner, Toni Morrison, was probably my first book of this category. I read it a while ago but this intriguing read is haunting me nowadays; the characters were so vivid that it was a heavy and disturbing piece of literature as well. When I first read the book I couldn’t comprehend why anyone would want to be a freak just to fit in what defined beauty in their surroundings .I mean I don’t know about you but very blue eyes with a very dark skin thank you very much .However, that was all what Precola was asking Jesus for .And all she got at the end was an utter and complete self destruction.
But what I found most interesting is how my understanding of Precola’s wish has evolved ... I now know exactly how she felt because for that past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling exactly the same way. I felt bullied and discriminated against for things I have no control over... it was so bad that I wanted those blue eyes so desperately as well. I didn’t get to read the memo that trashed me but it was read to me as I was sitting in the office of a very important chap who does an apparently very important job covering a big chunk of England ..The only thing I could think of at the time were those blue eyes..I wouldn’t have been here listening to some made up crap if I had them!
‘You OK?’ the door was hastily opened
Oh for f##k sake not now... well, at least I had enough time to hang the pile of coats back ‘Yeah I am .. it’s been a busy day ... ‘ shhhhh..deep breath ‘in a good way ‘...ok time to go home
‘Sorry I startled you ,its just I didn’t hear you giggle today ..hmm ..It was hard when Mrs. P passed away. isn’t it ?’
Berrr-fect exactly what I needed! I already have a crazy therapist thank you .. I wasn’t too keen on talking bereavement stuff either ... I wanted to disappear right away but how... I wasn’t going to talk to this lady about the panic I felt when Mrs P passed away earlier that day ,I so wanted her to stay alive but that had nothing to do with anybody..It had nothing to do with what I was pondering about under the desk anyway ‘I ..think it was...oh god those bags are heavy ..Ok see you tomorrow then ‘
you keep smiling best friends :)