Sunday, October 12, 2014

Chicken soup for the soul

I stood in the hotel room watching  the rare clear sunset  sky of London  as the orange and purple sunshine streamed through the curtains, giving the room an optimistic glow. I thought of the first time I laid eyes on this city .Life couldn’t have been any better ….I had just moved in to the UK, to glamorous London. In 4 weeks, I’d met more friends that than all people I got to call friends in the two years that followed my initially fab -turn-out- not- quite-so UK adventure.

Feeling monetarily inspired by 'Poisonwood Bible' , I put my KindleFire down and picked up the phone and dialed the number; I must be really crazy ; was all I was thinking to myself..
‘I need to ask you for some advice’  
‘I’m at work... ‘This must have been a sign; a sign from above to hung up ..but oh boy, as it turned out I’m useless at interpreting heavenly signs .
‘At work ..Hmm…at this hour? Do you work in a nightclub or something?’ I asked
‘No, dumb I’m in Miami not Malaysia remember?! ..Its morning time here. I really think you should check yourself out for Alzheimer or something...I m finishing in 2 hours can I call you back then?’
‘I don’t know why I called you in the first place  ...those 3 years have made you… American-ised ‘  I meant to say rude!

Two hours  later..
‘What’s up?’
‘World -class racism at work. I can’t take it anymore’ I exclaimed
‘then quit !’
‘I worked my ars#  for this job I can’t just quit ‘
‘Report  it then ,hon .it’s a free country .Fight for your rights’
‘I don’t want to fight ‘  I sighed
‘And I don’t know what you want ‘
‘I crashed my car today….’ I tried to be causal about it
‘Is all ok ?’
‘Yeah I am alright’
‘No I meant the car?’
‘hmmm..How thoughtful of you …I have abandoned the car in the hospital car park ..its a bit funny I somehow managed to end up  in a hospital even on my day off …Thanks to a complete stranger, she helped me take a bus to the rail station and I came down to London …’
‘London? what  for?’
‘Exactly ..I was asking myself the same question on the train ..Going to London was the plan before the crash . Between the hospital , the police and the car services ,I have missed what I supposed to be doing ,yet  still ended up here .. I don’t think there are any brain cells left in me ..I just wanted to forget about the whole car accident ’ 

‘I think your car is having a drink in the park trying to forget about you ‘
‘What a prick!’

‘Hey at least you ‘ve done 2 good things here ; calling me obviously is the first one ....and going to London is the second good thing … try shopping ..every woman’s painkiller …’

‘You’re annoying me now ‘

‘Listen seriously , I have tasted the bitterness of racism as well …But you have to give your boss a break ..See if I haven’t been to the middle east I would be feeling  , probably even behaving , the same as those people ; maybe even worse’

‘But  for weeks in a row , I’ve been punished for what ISIS is doing ...I was not going to blame a random British or American citizen for all the craziness happening  in Baghdad...My boss is living in their own bubble ‘

‘And you’re bursting it for them …there has to be a bang’ 

‘ and I can’t get him out of my head’ 

‘I thought we talked about that few weeks back .It was your decision , your choice, you know where I stand .There were 3 options in that scenario and you chose option 4’

‘hmm..I can’t afford to think about it anymore…. it’s just so draining. ‘ 

‘Then stop thinking …pick up the phone and fix it.’

‘It’s beyond fixable now. It’s awful and I feel guilty for some very good reasons   

‘Oh yeah?!  Here’s a thing for you, men and women are fundamentally different .I can’t be bothered to even remember girls' names … and we,men, all the same ..if you can't fix it then move on .. no guilt attached’

‘ ‘We’! I like how you talk with such authority about everybody else… I think you’re a je#k that's probably why …anyways , I took a leave from work to write my thesis and I haven’t written a single word...I m way too distracted and this’ move on’ business isn’t working so well with me ‘

‘Okay..chill D …forget about everything  ..try to focus on whats urgent. I know its hard….. ’ And then the flow of his words had just abruptly stopped , I know my friend has never been good at being nice so it wasn’t a surprise to hear him struggle with words then a long silence followed.   I wanted to fill the void myself but I didn’t know what to say and my body felt heavy as a stone .…
I thought that at the end of the day what I wanted was to let go of everything that’d happened  , but I also wanted to keep it  . I was torn like a child who has to throw away her favorite but worn-out rag doll.

No words coming from other people would help me , the voices had to come from within ,I thought. Its just too darn noisy in my head  right now.

‘You still there ? are you falling asleep ?’

‘I think I am ..I need to go now ..thank you ever so much for your time’
‘Anytime  ‘

Oceans of love best friends keep smiling